5 Times Scorpius Malfoy Was a Colossal Dick
by tasha.eliza
Summary: And 1 Time He and Rose Weasley Made Out Like Teenagers, Because of REASONS.
1. 1

**AN: **I have had this story drifting around in my head ever since I really started shipping these two :3 They're just so n'aww worthy. If you like it, please review and let me know! :)

"Scorpius Malfoy, you are such a colossal _dick."_

Rose Weasley was furious. Two bright red spots had appeared on her cheekbones, and she looked as though she were more than happy to drag the offender down to hell single handed.

The boy in question stuck a head over the edge of his blankets, hair tufty and dishevelled. He peered around, looking confused for a second.

"Wha'?" he asked blearily, in a voice that made it completely clear to Rose that he was still fast asleep.

"I _said," _Rose pressed, "that you are a complete and utter _dick."_

Two grey eyes blinked owlishly at her.

"My." Scorpius said mildly. "Such language so early in the morning." And he flopped back onto his pillows, tugging his blankets back up to his nose, clearly intending to spend the rest of Saturday morning in bed.

Rose threw her arms up, sighing in exasperation. "Don't you even want to know _why _you're a dick?"

Scorpius hummed contentedly.

"Not particularly." He said sleepily to his pillow, on the brink of dozing off again. He'd been dreaming about the new Phantom77 that he'd seen in Hogsmedelast weekend. That thing could _fly_, and he was soaring out – over the lake, the forbidden forest. The wind was in his hair and he wasn't wearing his leather kit but he was _warm _and-

"Arghh!" he yelled as the blankets were ripped from around him. He swore lustily and opened his eyes.

Weasley was standing there, a self-satisfied smirk on her lips, his blankets clasped in one, small hand.

"_Now _are you interested?" She asked, in a voice that feigned interest but was ruined by the fact that she looked _utterly _as though she were a cat that had got the cream.

"No." Scorp yawned, rubbing blearily at his eyes. "Give back my duvet."

"Two words." Rose continued, keeping a firm grip on the sheets. Scorpius curled up on himself in his bed, and whimpered pitifully. "Jenna Bodie."

Scorp opened one eye, and stared at Rose. "Al." he called. "Tell your cousin to give back my sheets."

The draperies around one of the beds further along twitched, and a dark haired head appeared briefly. "What's Malfoy done?" It asked, sounding amused.

"Only got Bodie pregnant!"

Al raised an eyebrow. "Really Scorp? You and Bodie? I did not see that one coming."

Scorpius didn't deign to answer, instead he reached an arm up blindly, grabbed his sheets and tugged.

"Better." He grumbled, tucking them around himself and nesting down. "Want to know what I think?" He asked the room, and when he got no reply continued blithely. "I think Weasley wanted to see if I slept naked."

"Douche." Al said serenely, but he wasn't going to pick between his cousin and best friend. Instead, he retreated back inside his bed, and snores emitted after a few moments.

"Scorp!" Rose was all set to flounce out of the room, but an arm snaked out of the bed and held her fast.

"But I'm very sorry." Said a voice from somewhere under the reclaimed covers. "I'm a fan of jammies. Look," and another arm appeared and wiggled. It was indeed clad in red pyjamas, with a pattern of golden snitches scattered on the fabric.

"You're impossible." Rose snapped, hectic red spots playing on her cheeks. "I came up to beat the crap out of you."

"That's not very polite." Scorp commented, sounding wounded. "I thought we were friends."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Bodie's telling everyone that you're the father of her unborn sproglet. That's all."

"Rosie," Scorp sounded patient and sleepy. "Have you looked at Bodie? She is not the most attractive chick in school. Or anywhere, really. I'm sure there's a moose somewhere that would find her attractive, but-" Scorpius paused, and lowered his tone to one that reeked of confidentiality. "I am not a moose."

"No." Rose agreed, "But you are a dick."

There was a chuckle that sounded dozy. "Yup. Yeah, that's true."


	2. 2

**New update!**

**Huge thanks to the people who reviewed. You made my day :3 And as for smut, who knows?;)**

**I really enjoy writing douchebags as a general rule, so I hope you enjoy reading this :)**

"Dean Finnegan thinks you're hot."  
"Scorp, you're blocking the light."  
Scorpius shifted slightly so that the glow from the fire fell on Rose's parchment again, and peered half-heartedly at his own charms text book. This wasn't _English._ What did that even _mea_-You know what? Never mind.  
"Actually, so does Fraser. You know? The Ravenclaw?." Scorpius continued after a moment. He frowned. "Also Roth. And Lecher." The list was gradually growing longer in Scorp's head, and his eyebrows furrowed.  
Rose, on the other hand, seemed unconcerned, sucking thoughtfully on the end of her quill. Her parchment was covered in neat, cursive script and Scorp's…wasn't. He pulled a face at it and looked over to where his friend sat.  
"Rose?"  
"Mmm?"  
"Did you hear what I said?"  
Rose sighed and marked something down on her parchment. "Yes. So?"  
"What do you mean 'so'?!" Scorpius exclaimed, a might too loudly because a first year looked over at them curiously. "They all think you're _hot_."  
"That's hardly my fault." Rose responded churlishly, flicking her eyes over to Scorp. He sat there looking completely like a five year old in a strop. She smiled and his eyes lit up. God's sake, that _boy._  
"But do you think _they _are hot?" Scorpius pressed, and Rose felt her amusement dry up.  
"Does it matter?" She enquired, flicking her parchment over. He hadn't written _anything _other than the date down – and that meant he and Albus would be in detention together. Again. And then another detention because they had fun during their first. It had happened before and it would happen again.  
"Yes!" Scorpius cried, and that first year was openly staring now. "I mean – no!"  
Rose glared at the blond and he pulled a face at her before tugging his parchment towards him. How he had managed to get ink all over his fingers was a mystery to Rose. Blissful silence fell, and she tried to turn her mind back to her homework. _"Silencio - the silencing charm. Renders the victims vocal chords completely useless-"_  
"…Rosie?"  
Sighs. Round two.  
_"What?"_  
"Who's hotter? Me or Finnegan?"  
"Which Finnegan?" Rosie smirked at her parchment, relying on her hair to shade her face from Scorp.  
"Either!" The blond sounded exasperated, and Rose looked over at him, one eyebrow raised.  
"Merlin, Scorp – could you _get _anymore insecure?!"  
Scorp paused to think about it. The answer, of course, was yes.  
"Me or Finnegan?"  
"Stop being a dick."  
"_Me or Finnegan?_"  
Rose tugged her wand from her jeans, and poked it into her friend's side. He looked at her, bemused and then fuming as she savoured the charm she'd been working on. "_Silencio_."  
She smiled to herself as Scorp sat there, opening and closing his mouth like a grounded goldfish.  
"You're helping with my essay." Rose told him seriously, and leaned over to kiss his cheek.  
"Night Scorp."  
Ah. Silence really was golden.


	3. 3

Rose Weasley was walking down a deserted hallway on her way to the Infirmary when the appearance of a highly dishevelled Jessica Finch warned her of Scorpius's presence.  
Jessica's shirt was buttoned up in an imaginative, haphazard, fashion, her cheeks were bright red and her lips swollen. Rose felt like bashing her head against a brick wall. Jessica was famous for her long, blonde her and Scandinavian curves, and Rose had spent enough time with her brother and cousin to know just what kind of things guys gossiped about.  
"Scorp around?" Rose called out to Jessica, feeling a savage kind of pleasure in the new rush of blood that her words conjured up in the other girl's face, and the way that the confidant sway of the other girl's hips sped up so that she was almost jogging.  
"Um. Oh. I don't know." The girl mumbled, and brushed past Rose with her light head ducked against her ample chest.  
"Yuh huh. I've heard that one before." Rose muttered to herself as she stepped around the next bend.

Ahead of her, the familiar broad shouldered back of her best friend was heading in the other direction, and he was swaggering – there was no other word for it.  
Rose sped up, a wry little smile playing on her lips until she drew level.  
"Finch looked… excited." She commented, keeping stride with him. Scorp's smile grew an edge.  
"Hey Rose." His tone was careful.  
"Nice time in the broom cupboard?"  
"Mmm."  
"Scorp."  
Scorpius was suddenly incredibly interested in his fraying cuff. "Finished that charms homework then?"  
"Stop changing the subject! You can't keep luring girls into broom cupboards! It's completely-"  
"Morally deficient?"  
"Exactly!"  
"Technically it's not luring if she climbed in first."  
Scorpius felt he had hold of the argument's high-ground, and wasn't about to let it go.  
"Did you smirk at her?"  
"What?!" Scorp narrowed his eyes. Oh, that was _low_.  
Rose slowed her tone down, as though she were explaining something very simple, to someone very simple. "Did. You. Use. The. God. Damned. Smirk."  
Scorpius shifted uncomfortably, and sped up his pace. "Maybe. But!" he said as Rose looked triumphant. "She loved every second of it!"  
Rose stopped, and Scorp swung on his heel to face her.  
"Prove it."  
Scorpius resisted the urge to stick a finger in his ear and wiggle it.  
"Did I hear you right? Did you say prove it? Or was it something rude, like move it? Or possibly groovy, but I don't think anyone says that anymore."  
"You heard me."  
Rose raised an eyebrow, and Scorpius mentally rebuked himself for letting his jaw hang open. "Fine." He shrugged, and pushed her up against the wall, ignoring her surprised squealant burying his hands in that gorgeous red hair as he brought his mouth down on hers. His hands roamed over Rose's body with a burning edge and she moaned against his mouth, feeling the corners turn up as she did so.  
Rose stayed stock still for a second, his lips both the softest thing she'd ever felt and the hardest. She opened her lips tentatively as he pushed her body against the wall, unable to form any sort of concise thought over "Ungh"  
Their tongues duelled, fighting for dominance, and a door clattered somewhere further down the long hallway, pulling Rose back to her senses with a shock that felt jarring.  
She put both palms on Scorp's chest and _shoved. _The fact that he weighed fofty pounds more than her was rivalled by the fact that she was absolutely _furious_.  
"What the actual _hell, _Malfoy?" She cried. "You douchebag. You total _dick_. I am _not _one of your sluts, okay?"  
Scorp looked as though he'd been dragged underwater for a few miles, shaking his head as though to clear it.  
"What?"  
"I _said_,"  
"I heard what you _said._" Scorp looked bemused, as though he couldn't quite believe that everything had gone skewy quite so quickly. He'd been in a broom closet with a gorgeous blonde less than ten minutes ago, and now he was having verbal abuse lobbed at him by his red-headed mate. "But I also heard what you _said _about three minutes ago!"  
"You're on drugs." Rose said, green eyes widening in alarm. "Aren't you? Oh Merlin, you _idiot_. Where did you even _get _them? Is it the Finnegan twins? Oh Merlin, you total _jerk_. What are you taking?! How long have you-"  
Scorp was shaking his head, _denial_, Oh bugger all, _now what should she do?_  
Then he said something completely insane.  
"I didn't use the smirk."  
_"What?"_  
"You said to prove it! I did."  
Rose felt herself flushing as realisation dawned. She put her head in her hands, utterly mortified. It wasn't helped by the fact that Scorpius was close enough that she could feel the laughter rolling off him in waves, even as he tried to stifle it.  
"Don't tell Al or Hugo." She begged, not coming out from where it was safe. If she couldn't see him, he couldn't see her. Simple.  
"Deal." Scorp said, the grin in his voice making her want to hit him. Hard. Possibly with a book. Or bookcase.  
She could feel the huff of his breath on her cheeks as he leaned in.  
"But if it's any consolation, you are a very _good_ kisser." And he leaned away. Rose could hear the even pace of his footsteps as he sauntered away, only this time it was accompanied by a cheery, off-key whistling.

AN: I _suck _at make-out scenes. Absolutely _suck. _But I couldn't resist a douchey Scorp. It's kind of hot. Thank you so much for your support guys - means the world!


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